I'm such a crybaby.I'm not even sure why I'm shedding these stupid stupid tears of mine..I am selfish and hard-headed aren't I? Everyday I come to hate myself even more.Each and every day.It sucks.
Uggghh~
I want to be strong.Gallant..Bold..I want to be solid and independant SO SO much..SO SOOO BAD! But I feel that I'm not up for it.That I'm not able to be that type of person. No matter how hard I try..I always end up at square 1.
I feel..helpless..Useless and hopeless.Uuuggh~
I'm just pathetic aren't I? Damn it. I always sem to say the wrong things,make the wrong decisions,take the wrong actions and..man..even wear the wrong outfits.
And I have this strange ability to make a situation that has gone wrong..even WORSE. I hurt the people around me.The people I love so dearly and who I would always need to be a part of my life. Why do I do it? I don't know what is it that posesses me to be like that.
Make it stop! Please God make it stop. I can't handle this.What is this? Late teen/early midLife crisis? Why is it that I'm such an ugly person inside? even outside? God why..
I know I'm wrong everytime I get into a fight.But then I tend to think I'm just I'm doing the right thing..That I'm defending myself,defending my rights when I'm probably just defending my darn EGO.And I keep acting n feeling like the good person.I feel sick just thinking about it.Argh~
But here I am.Doing it again.It never stops does it? Someone..make me stop.God make me stop.Make me a better person.Please.
Even now I picture myself as a better person already because I'm admitting my wrongdoings..Trying to be 'humble'..F*ck..Humble my arse..
I wonder if I can stay abroad for the 2 1/2 years without coming home for holidays?
Can I stand being away that long.Departed from my family and friends (do I even have friends? Real friends? True friends?) I guess 2.5 yrs aint gonna be that long.I even get to save up my money. Find myself again..if I ever did know myself in the first place.
I answered back my mom just now.Me & my BIG FAT mouth.Congratulations.Why am I that short-tempered? Why do I always want things to go MY way?AAaarrggh~
I want to change.I want to start over by apologizing to everyone I've hurt or condemned.But there's this dumb barrier called shame and ego thats not letting me pass.I can't spit it out.
Kak Eta asked me if anything was wrong just now. I said that nothing was wrong.The truth is my problem isn't a problem.Its so silly for me for making it seem serius when its nothing BIG.It wasn't even anyones fault.All this while it hasn't been anyones fault but myself.I didn't want to tell her what was bothering me because I feel I don't have the right to ask her comfort and consolation..to pour my guts out to her.She has bigger and more important things on my mind to worry about than my petty 'dilemma'! I'm so so embarassed to even think of comparing the 'crisis' we're going through in both our lives. I wouldn't want to burden her in any way.She's been so lovely to me..I'm sorry KEta.I'm also sorry for not guiding u better in Islam because I'm no better at it.
1st of all I'm sorry J for only writing in u when I'm down and depressed and
forget u when I'm cheerful and happy.
Forgive me oh Merciful God..for feeling so low and sorry for myself when I have everything to be greatful of.
I apologize..Mak,ayah,abg iz,Kak Ul,KLong,Abg Mie..for being me
I'm sorry dad..4 not taking u seriously..
I'm sorry ma for making u cry and furious with me most of my life..
I'm sorry Along..sorry for being sorry for U
I'm sorry akak..for not being as perfect as u..
I'm sorry abg iz..It wasn't/isn't my place to call u names when I am no better
I'm sorry abg mie for being insolent and bossy
I'm sorry kLong for not knowing what to say or how to act to make u feel oh so better
I'm sorry makImah for not potraying myself to be a better niece..girl..muslimah at home
I'm sorry Anon for escaping myself from duties during family affairs/functions
I'm sorry Atuk for not being the best I can
I'm sorry Ijul..for not treating U well enough during our short childhood together..
I'm sorry Taryn,John,Tabby & Jasmine..for being such an ass in Public School
I'm sorry Prek Aqis for losing myself along the way on the path to redemption
I'm sorry Eda momo for scolding u when..I turned out to no better and for not being there for u guys..
I'm sorry Dorsie..4 not understanding u more and always be by ur side
I'm sorry shekin Nina for not being a true friend..a better one even..
I'm sorry Ngoi,Sme'ah,Danny..for my ignorance and avoidance..u guys are the best
I'm sorry Khai..for breaking my promises to u..
I'm sorry kak Haziah for not visiting u enough..
I'm sorry to all my teachers for not paying attention in class (ZZzzzzzz..yap3)
I'm sorry CShamrin for acting so sensitive and moody..and denying it..
I'm sorry mdmAsmizah..for that day in class..
I'm sorry CiguRohanna for not obeying u n not taking u serious..and making u cry..
I'm sorry cikguFB..sorry3...
I'm sorry to all my x-dormates..for everything I did or didn't do..especially UK7
I'm sorry Shara..if my jokes hurt ur feelings during our year 2gether as roomies..Yan..wanie n d rest too..
..I'm sorry NuruL Syuhadah Hasny..
for not accepting u as u..and loving u..as u..as I should of all these years..
p/s:what is this? Oprah session? Pur-Lease..cheeeesy..nyeh3
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