To be or not to be
I have long since had a clean slate when I passed 18. I am no longer the person ppl used to persume I was. I have lived aswell as grown. Ppl that I had once loved have left my life.New ones arrived trying to fill that space or void in my heart.
Kak Eta's married now
Kak Ika...heard she found someone.Thats healthy.
Kak Su? God knows whats up her alley
I feel sad that I wasn't here in Malaysia to give support to kak eta during their difficult time.I wonder if could of made her stay.Could of given her a reason tO stay.
Ah~ alls past nw n I think I've finally let go of her when I called her last time n cried my heart out. But most importan I hope abg isz has moved on aswell.He's coping.Bt i just dont like the ppl he mingles with.Not that he'z some kinda angel which he's far from being.
Anyway...
Recently(this year) I joined usrah..i bet ur going ha-ha right now.I would if i were u.I feel like such a hypocrite somehow.Am i? Am i not?
I also feel like im contaminating or spoiling usrahs good name.I am arent I? I could feel it in my bones.
I know that right now i only have i foot in the door stepping in while the other is still outside.My hand is on the doorknob but I havent turned it full or push it to open wide. Im afraid to what will hqppen.I know that lifes too short to waste.i know that death could be knocking any minute.
I dont wanna b a person who just believes in God Almighty but doesnt submit myself completely.Life now is just a pitstop b4 after life.Life after death.
I have all the support i need from my usrah-mates.If only I had the strength.If only my beloved soulmate also voiced this same yearning as I have now than I think this path would be easier..kan wak?
I feel like a hypocrite n I feel that they are ashamed of me.Why hasnt this person changed after all this time being involved in such a spiritual gathering week by week. I feel like im dissapointing those who mentor me as I seem to not practise wht I have been told n because of that I feel the shallowness in the depth of my knowledge of Islam.
I tend to follow this fluctuating pattern of uncertaintiness in all aspects of my life.
Studies
ibadat
relationships
day to day basis
Im a chameleon who doesnt know her true colours n when to stop at 1 colour...tp be cont..(im seepy haha)
Where there's a WILL, There's a Way
1 comment:
syuddie,
ure not alone dear...i feel most of the tmes wat u feel...its ok,we change slowly as timegoes by..no need to rush..there's a will in me and u,but onlly time will dcide..we pray together dat we can be a better muslimah..
i like the snetence: im a chameleon who doesnt know her true colours n when to stop at 1 colour...coos i feel da same too..huhu...
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