Perks of being a Wallflower

I hate sitting on the aisle side of the bus.

All you see is the backside of others, arms poking out, greying hair, bad-hair-day chick and that someone whose abt to fall off his chair. The air-cond is chilling to the bone and even though uve snapped shut the one pointing at u, u cant simply ask the person in front of u to do the same. Then you look down and you stare at the floor and after so many travels on this bus, u can memorize it perfectly in ur mind. The colour, how dusty and unsymmetrical it is and the rough edges on the sides.

My shoes.

The one I was wearing needs some waxing. I'm wearing black 'skin'socks today and it soothed my feet a little. Hanim is dozing off next to me although I know if i tugged a little harder she could've of easily woken up and layan my stories and such but I wouldn't want to bother her. She looks extremely exhausted.

All these future doctors are either asleep or trying quite hard to do so just for the sake to pass the time.

I hate sitting on the aisle side of the bus.

Especially since I can't sleep.

Why can't I sleep away is frustrating on so many levels.

I love the window seat. Especially on airplanes.

I want to stare blankly outside my window.

But I can't.

I'll make sure next time I could.

Recently I feel worried all the time. I'm starting to worry about almost everything I can think to worry about including trivial ones that I shouldn't be. I'm starting to wonder, four more months till Finals but what the heck is my purpose in life and how much I've let myself down. I truly don't recognize myself anymore. I've suddenly lost the will to be a person I can be proud of.

Instead I've become this lukewarm person who keeps coming out with 1001 excuses and most of it is simply explained by the word IGNORANCE. Why is it so difficult to take a step forward and run away from all this. Do I really want to come out as this kind of doctor when I've graduated? Don't I owe everyone my best efforts on becoming the best I'll ever be?

Didn't God give me this privilege and why is it that all I can do is watch it slip through my fringers?

My glass will always be half empty. ALWAYS.

The day before yesterday, I was thinking of how much I miss a lot of ppl in my life.

How can I be so close to someone one day and forget about them the next.

Thats how twisted and sad my life has become. Im avoiding confrontation, not counting whether its a good one or bad.

I ignore. That's what I do. And that's what I do best. As if it's the best medicine in the whole wide world.As if it can heal every wound, cure every disease and soothes every aches.

I miss Neensy. I miss talking to her whenever and wherever I want to. Or skype her when I need to.I want to just sit and listen to her talk about her family and how crazy they drive her but how she loves them to death. I miss her rambling on about the love of her life and how HE drives her mad at times. I wanna see her role her eyes at my lame jokes and laugh at my clumsiness. I miss her cooking and baking and her salads. I miss walking inside the room after a tiring day and not needing to greet her but knowing that we're alright. I miss singing duets with her and going off key. I miss after sulking about something she accidentally did or say she'd make me feel better by acting all cute or even just by texting. *wipes of tear*

And Im most sorry that there always was a lack of effort on my side.

Because I just loooOOOooove to ignore.

Especially since I'm not so good(understatement) with picking up calls,returning them or even just the simple art of texting. It sucks to be well known for my lack of interest in my phone..

I miss being a friend or someone you can count on..

I'm 24. but I look 30, feel like 50 and act like I'm 2.So help me God.

I feel so shallow, so hollow, very superficial and lacks quality that I wont even send MYSELF for a clinical examination even if I was the last doctor on the face of the earth.