Facing The Music~

A lot has happened since I last logged in. Bad things, good things, akward things.

Things that I wanted to vent out, share and express,

yet I haven't and didnt due to a very hectic time line.

*waves* hhiiiii Hanneeeemmmm~ hehehe *shout out*

Exams are going on.F.I.N.A.L.S

We've finished theory and OSCE's and now waiting for long case and short cases.

How'd I do?

Its almost the end of the journey and I feel like Im hanging by a thread.

The end is so close yet so far.

Im not so confident. Thats for sure.

This time around I haven't exactly studied as hard as during P2S1 or how I was supposed to because like what I told Sera, shouldn't we own all this sheyt by now? Shouldnt we be able to spit it out whenever we want ,wherever we want without having to flip through so much thickness of a book? We owe that much to all that has put their trust in us.

Our family, our sponsors, ourselves.

We're medical students fo God's sakes and here we are. A glass half empty half full.

It's not something to be telling everyone about as its embarassing.

Im putting others fate into my own hands.

Lives are at jeopardy. And there's no one else to blame but myself.

And I ask myself nearly everyday, what type of doctor am I going to be?

Want to be.

I want to be the best that I can be. Even more if possible

I want patients to feel safe like a familiar sense of home with me.

I want to feel needed and appreciated.

I want to go to work knowing Im about to change someones life that day.

Make it better. Make it less painful and more comfort.

I want to be there for them and my family.

Through thick and thin.

I want to go home, satisfied with a silly smile or a sheepish grin on my face.

To be able to have that chance is something priceless and I would trade the world for that.

To be able to support my family and make them proud. I want that above all.

But how am I suppose to do all that If I dont know how I performed in my exams.

Sometimes it crushes me, thinking about how I might fail everybody ard me, and then I just toughen myself up and not be that pathetic person blaming the cruel2 world.

Because shit happens and life goes on.

Usaha, doa tawakkal.

Tawakkal is something more easier to do than the first two.

So here I am, feeling like a solid yet empty rock, reminiscing once in a while if i screwed up my exams or not.

Since first year, Ive had the 'lucky' opportunity of being on the fence that each year since than I've had to go for viva or reseat a paper. Sometimes I wonder if ppl ard even hope that if there had to be someone among us that needs to be cut, it should be me. Like no matter how bad they did, they were hoping I would do worse.

Because, everyone wants their ass saved. Like for P2S2..we're aiming for 100% passing rate. But is that really possible? Like Prof.C said, if a College gets 100% than there must be something wrong. Either it was too leniant or Q's were too easy. Either way, I feel screwed. He told us even UM has always had a 10% fail rate. Its called quality control. But here we are, assuming if many fail, maybe the school is corrupted and just wants to make some dough. When it also has to do with something called luck and abt being in the bottom of the food-chain. But who will be the victim of this so called scheme?

Thats is when u subconciously wish it was the next guy. This is when u get selfish.Tskx3

I've done grave mistakes during these exams.

And Im praying that maybe just this once, it's different.

That maybe this time, is my time to get out of the slump I've always been in.

6 more days to go. Wish me luck!!